On too many Christmas, new years and other nights out, I wondered if I would run into her. Last night, we were at a Christmas eve party together with her posse. It didn't cross my mind that she would show up until her name was mentioned in pre-drinks. Her ways of drawing crowds and turning heads, and the sophistication that came with maturity left me in awe. We’re no longer seventeen.
Standing in front of the club, behind the barricades for crowd control, and in between drags of smoke, I spotted her and her man. We exchanged a hug and the generic “haven’t seen you for awhile!” He and I both recognized each other and extended a handshake as though we are old acquaintance even though we hardly spoke in the past. Memories came back- the theatre show, the cruise, the drunken older woman touching me, her clinging on to me while drunk and in five inches of heels that got him coming over to ask about me, which he has probably forgotten by now.
As soon as we sat, he got me a drink and we got talking about Hong Kong, the wealth gap, Cambodia and drugs. It’s hardly a typical conversation, but it seemed to be the right thing at the time. We chatted for so long that at some point I wondered if she was cringing at the sight of that. I would, if I were her.
Her extravagance, and her girlfriends’, aren’t new to me. It’s all about handbags, shoes and party clothes – a brand new Hermes getting scratched, and the smell of a new Gucci handbag. Times like that I am glad that their social comparison does not apply to me, and I am not judged by what I wear and what I carry. But at the same time, despite being properly dressed, the fact that I was obviously gay got me in trouble at the door initially. While I was with the rest of the girls, I was stopped until the door bitch saw my friends talking to me. Gays aren’t welcome in parties like that. It’s just how it is in LKF and clubs in the West End.
I never regretted a moment of unhappiness or even agony that I brought upon myself because of her. To me, she stands for the world that I would have belonged if I were straight. It is a lifestyle that I can afford to live, if I am willing to spend my family's money like they do, with no hesitation. She stands for the lifestyle of rich kids, glamour and endless parties.
After all these years, I don’t really know her. I just know that I hold onto moments of encounters even if they killed, and moments when she couldn’t hide how she felt - the sight of those elevated me. She was the girl who got drunk and honest when she turned 18. She was the one who left me baffled, dazzled and confused for many years. She is the one who now, I think, has found the one, and I think she has found the right one.
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