crisis

I have been free from dramas for so long. Today, a self-inflicted crisis hit hard.

Memory of an alcohol -fuelled night out is hazy. Patchy recollections of what exactly happened and the moments that I can recall are unpleasant.

It's one of those "I vowed I would never do it" incidents that shake the core of all beliefs and values. Something that has so far been so close to perfection, and an object of envy is now tainted.
What more am I capable of?

The body tells you one thing. Your mind tells you another. Words of resistence were reduced to nothing.

I don't even remember how I got here.

Then there was an apology, but I don't know what it was for, and I don't want to find out.

There was a crisis seven years ago. (God it has been that long.) It was someone's quest for truth that made me wish as I drove aimlessly that I would just end it all in a fatal car crash. It plunged me to such low and kept me there for so long.
Perhaps because of that incident that I now manage to be distracted, to act as though it's just another Sunday.

There were countless hours in despair, searching for answers, taking in those judgmental stares unaccompanied by words.

Then there was my own quest for truth that sent me off spiralling down, for years.

Last night was unexpected, unintended and smack of resistance that just didn't go far enough. My interrupted stream of consciousness still screamed out loud, but the voice just gave in in the weakened mind. Whatever justification that I can come up with will never be good enough.

Would lies become the truth for as long as they are not revealed as lies ?