On too many Christmas, new years and other nights out, I wondered if I would run into her. Last night, we were at a Christmas eve party together with her posse. It didn't cross my mind that she would show up until her name was mentioned in pre-drinks. Her ways of drawing crowds and turning heads, and the sophistication that came with maturity left me in awe. We’re no longer seventeen.
Standing in front of the club, behind the barricades for crowd control, and in between drags of smoke, I spotted her and her man. We exchanged a hug and the generic “haven’t seen you for awhile!” He and I both recognized each other and extended a handshake as though we are old acquaintance even though we hardly spoke in the past. Memories came back- the theatre show, the cruise, the drunken older woman touching me, her clinging on to me while drunk and in five inches of heels that got him coming over to ask about me, which he has probably forgotten by now.
As soon as we sat, he got me a drink and we got talking about Hong Kong, the wealth gap, Cambodia and drugs. It’s hardly a typical conversation, but it seemed to be the right thing at the time. We chatted for so long that at some point I wondered if she was cringing at the sight of that. I would, if I were her.
Her extravagance, and her girlfriends’, aren’t new to me. It’s all about handbags, shoes and party clothes – a brand new Hermes getting scratched, and the smell of a new Gucci handbag. Times like that I am glad that their social comparison does not apply to me, and I am not judged by what I wear and what I carry. But at the same time, despite being properly dressed, the fact that I was obviously gay got me in trouble at the door initially. While I was with the rest of the girls, I was stopped until the door bitch saw my friends talking to me. Gays aren’t welcome in parties like that. It’s just how it is in LKF and clubs in the West End.
I never regretted a moment of unhappiness or even agony that I brought upon myself because of her. To me, she stands for the world that I would have belonged if I were straight. It is a lifestyle that I can afford to live, if I am willing to spend my family's money like they do, with no hesitation. She stands for the lifestyle of rich kids, glamour and endless parties.
After all these years, I don’t really know her. I just know that I hold onto moments of encounters even if they killed, and moments when she couldn’t hide how she felt - the sight of those elevated me. She was the girl who got drunk and honest when she turned 18. She was the one who left me baffled, dazzled and confused for many years. She is the one who now, I think, has found the one, and I think she has found the right one.
26/12/2010
05/12/2010
The Sunday wakeup call
This morning felt like one of the many worst days of my life. I woke up to a call from a lawyer asking if he offended me yesterday when I was writing up a case that he filed. He said that he was offended by the fact that someone else was quote about his client's case, and that he had been receiving calls from his friends asking if he was responsible for the case or the guy I quoted.
I apologised, admitted that it was a lapse of judgement, and offered to remedy the situation. If it was other subject of the story, I probably wouldn't care so much. But this felt like I was burning bridges, and not just sources.
It was a headline story. There's no escape from scrutiny.
I suspect that most readers, especially non-lawyers, wouldn't even notice anything wrong with it. It is a decent story. All it needed was substituting that guy's quote with his. But words get around, especially in small communities like the journalists' one or the lawyers' one. My boss told me two weeks ago that it's about quality. Write a story that people remember you for. This feels like one of those stories, and not in a good way.
For the past year, I've been so cautious to the point that journalists would probably see me as meek, and not daring enough.
If I search hard enough for an excuse, it's that when I called the lawyer yesterday, he said nothing that I could possibly quote and he didn't even seem to explain his point of view other than referring me to the court documents. On top of that, the editor's comments somehow influenced how I viewed the whole thing.
I asked him if he thought it'd be okay that I quote the third party lawyer, and he said as long as he is okay with it then it's fine. Little did I think how not okay the lawyer taking charge of the case would be.
In hindsight, I would have called the now-offended lawyer a second time after I heard the quotable comments made by the irrelevant lawyer. But it's too late now.
Recently, I've been hearing about how particular journalists I know piss some people off. If I write something that I believe in, I really don't mind if it pisses people off. But this time, I had no intention to provoke but that's what happened.
This too shall pass, like everything else. But it's a blow to my confidence.
I apologised, admitted that it was a lapse of judgement, and offered to remedy the situation. If it was other subject of the story, I probably wouldn't care so much. But this felt like I was burning bridges, and not just sources.
It was a headline story. There's no escape from scrutiny.
I suspect that most readers, especially non-lawyers, wouldn't even notice anything wrong with it. It is a decent story. All it needed was substituting that guy's quote with his. But words get around, especially in small communities like the journalists' one or the lawyers' one. My boss told me two weeks ago that it's about quality. Write a story that people remember you for. This feels like one of those stories, and not in a good way.
For the past year, I've been so cautious to the point that journalists would probably see me as meek, and not daring enough.
If I search hard enough for an excuse, it's that when I called the lawyer yesterday, he said nothing that I could possibly quote and he didn't even seem to explain his point of view other than referring me to the court documents. On top of that, the editor's comments somehow influenced how I viewed the whole thing.
I asked him if he thought it'd be okay that I quote the third party lawyer, and he said as long as he is okay with it then it's fine. Little did I think how not okay the lawyer taking charge of the case would be.
In hindsight, I would have called the now-offended lawyer a second time after I heard the quotable comments made by the irrelevant lawyer. But it's too late now.
Recently, I've been hearing about how particular journalists I know piss some people off. If I write something that I believe in, I really don't mind if it pisses people off. But this time, I had no intention to provoke but that's what happened.
This too shall pass, like everything else. But it's a blow to my confidence.
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